We spend so much of our energy worrying about how someone will respond. Maybe some of that energy belongs somewhere else.
Defensiveness… a weakness for almost all of us.
It sucks to feel attacked. It’s destabilizing and threatening to feel like your character is being questioned. This is one of the many reasons we struggle to bring up difficult conversations: we fear the other person’s defensive reaction. We fear escalation.
Unfortunately, avoiding these conversations can just build resentment and slowly deteriorate a relationship. (More to come on this when we get to conflict styles in a future article).
We can’t control other people’s reactions, but we can do our part by communicating in a way that decreases the chances of escalation. (To learn more about how to communicate like this, check out this prior article). We can keep our side of the street clean by acting in a way that makes us feel proud when we reflect back on the interaction.
One of the most common themes I see is how hard we are on ourselves when we mess up. We play the interaction over and over in our heads and wish we could go back to do it differently. We have a really hard time letting it go.
But what if, instead of beating ourselves up, we took accountability? Even if it’s after the fact, we can say something like, “I was thinking about how I responded when ____, and I’m sorry about that. I should have responded with ____. I’ll commit to working on that in the future.”
You messed up and you owned it. You thought about what you could have done differently, and you’re taking advantage of the opportunity to try again. That doesn’t mean you have to get it right every time. It doesn’t have to be a failure if you accidentally escalate a situation, say the wrong thing, get defensive, or respond in a way you later regret – as long as you’re willing to take accountability, learn from it, and make a different choice next time.
That, in and of itself, can be seen as a success. It’s about continued effort, accountability, and dedication to growth, regardless of how the other person may be acting.
The same thing applies when someone else hurts us. If they take accountability, acknowledge what they did, and actually demonstrate change through their actions, then they have done what is within their control to address the situation. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive them – that’s your choice. But they did their part. Just like when you own your part, what happens next is no longer entirely within your control.
I think there’s something really freeing about that. You don’t have to control their reaction. You don’t have to make them understand. You don’t have to make them agree with you. You don’t even have to make the conversation go the way you hoped it would. You just have to know that you did your part: showed up in a way that makes you proud, took accountability when you needed to, and kept trying.
Care about the outcome. Care about the relationship. But don’t confuse caring about someone’s response with being responsible for it.
If you have a story or question you’d like explored, please reach out. You can write in anonymously here or contact me directly at libby@conflictfromtheheart.com or 970-480-7411.
Libby Jacobson is a Denver-based mediator, restorative justice facilitator, and licensed social worker with master’s degrees in Conflict Resolution and Social Work from the University of Denver. She specializes in family and parent-teen conflict resolution and works with organizations, teams, and community groups navigating interpersonal conflict. Learn more at www.conflictfromtheheart.com.
