What if one of the most important life skills isn’t part of the curriculum?
People always ask how I got into conflict resolution work. My answer: personal experience.
Like many of us, I was never formally taught these kinds of skills until my twenties. (It’s never too late, but they would’ve been really helpful before adulthood).
I grew interested in conflict in middle school because I noticed it everywhere. I became a peer mediator (which, by the way, is an amazing program for schools to implement) and started helping my classmates navigate their interpersonal conflicts. At the same time, I became more aware of the conflict in my own family.
When I was a teenager, things got harder. Not only was I dealing with drama and bullying among my friends, but I also wanted more independence and freedom at home. I was pissed off at basically everything my parents said or did. Or even at how they looked at me. Meanwhile, they were worried about my choices and my future, so naturally, more rules were put into place, which I rebelled against.
Looking back, I know we weren’t doing anything unusual. We were a family navigating a very normal stage of life. The problem was that none of us had the skills or understanding to navigate those common power struggles. Instead, we felt lost, hurt, and incredibly disconnected from one another.
It wasn’t until I studied conflict resolution in graduate school that I truly started implementing some of these approaches in my own family. That’s when I learned how to identify and share the needs and emotions beneath my reactions. That’s when I learned how to express myself in ways that were less likely to trigger defensiveness. That’s when I learned how to listen with more curiosity and less judgment.
The most important part is that I practice these things every day. This isn’t about becoming someone who never gets frustrated or always says the perfect thing – it’s about having the tools that help us repair, reconnect, and keep trying when conflict inevitably shows up.
One of the most rewarding things about conflict is that when one person changes how they engage with it, the whole interaction can change, too. Does that mean the other person always changes? No! But even when they don’t, showing up in a way that aligns with your values can feel so empowering. And sometimes, over time, it encourages the other person to respond differently too.
I’m now grateful that my family went through those difficult years, because that struggle led me here. But I also want to help others learn these skills before they desperately need them.
Conflict is normal. And inevitable. And essential. And, as we’ve talked about over the last couple of months, it can be productive and transformative. Addressing conflict with someone you care about is actually a gift.
It says:
- I care enough about this relationship to have a hard conversation.
- I believe we can work through this together.
- I trust you enough to be vulnerable with you.
- I’m bringing this up because you matter to me.
That’s a very different message than, “I’m trying to start a fight.”
What if conflict isn’t an attack after all? What if it’s an invitation? Maybe we should start treating it like one.
If you have a story or question you’d like explored, please reach out. You can write in anonymously here or contact me directly at libby@conflictfromtheheart.com or 970-480-7411.
Libby Jacobson is a Denver-based mediator, restorative justice facilitator, and licensed social worker with master’s degrees in Conflict Resolution and Social Work from the University of Denver. She specializes in family and parent-teen conflict resolution and works with organizations, teams, and community groups navigating interpersonal conflict. Learn more at www.conflictfromtheheart.com.
