Most of us aren’t fighting because we don’t care. We’re fighting because we care deeply.
In my last article, we decided that conflict is like fire. Remember that? (If not, refresh your memory here – it’s important for what I’m going to say next).
If we agree that conflict and fire have similarities, it’s important that we also consider the overlap in how we address both fire and conflict.
Let’s say you have a bonfire going. If you want to put it out, how might you do so? Maybe you’d smother it, maybe you’d pour water on it, maybe you’d use sand. But would you only focus on the flames, or would you aim for the base of the fire?
The flames of a fire are like the reactive behaviors in conflict. They’re noticeable, they draw our attention, sometimes they scare us. But if we only address the flames, the fire will keep coming back. In order to completely put it out, you need to target the source.
Conflict works the same way. To truly resolve it, we need to understand what’s underneath it.
So, how do we do that?
We all have needs, fears, and values at the heart of our fights. When strong emotions show up in conflict, it’s usually a sign that something important is at stake. This is incredibly valuable information, because it helps us understand what the conflict is actually about.
For example:
Maybe that fight about the dirty sock isn’t really about the sock. Maybe it’s about respect, consideration, or feeling like your needs aren’t a priority.
And maybe that argument over the unanswered text isn’t really about the text. Maybe it’s about feeling disconnected, unimportant, or unsure where the relationship stands.
Once we start understanding what’s underneath the conflict, we can begin talking about it more effectively.
Instead of, “You never pick up after yourself and I’m so tired of treating you like a child,” you can say, “It feels disrespectful when dirty clothes are left on the floor because I feel like I’m just expected to take care of them. It feels like one more thing gets added to my plate.”
Instead of, “You ignored my text all day and clearly don’t care,” you can try, “When I didn’t hear back from you, I started worrying that something was wrong. You really matter to me, so I think that’s why it affected me so much.”
The more we can communicate like this and explain what’s underneath our reactions, the more likely we are to address the source of the conflict and come up with a sustainable resolution.
But what if the other person isn’t receptive? What if they blow up, won’t listen, or get defensive?
Well, let’s save that one for a future article. I’ll see you then.
In the meantime, if you have a story or question you’d like explored, please reach out. You can write in anonymously here or contact me directly at libby@conflictfromtheheart.com or 970-480-7411.
Libby Jacobson is a Denver-based mediator, restorative justice facilitator, and licensed social worker with master’s degrees in Conflict Resolution and Social Work from the University of Denver. She specializes in family and parent-teen conflict resolution and works with organizations, teams, and community groups navigating interpersonal conflict. Learn more at www.conflictfromtheheart.com.
