Conflict is part of every relationship. This monthly series explores new ways to think about it, talk about it, and move through it.
Let’s explore an analogy together: is fire good, or bad?
The answer I hear most often is: It depends. To that I say, yes… but what does it depend on? Maybe you’re thinking it depends on whether the fire is controlled or uncontrolled, intentional or accidental. Maybe you think it’s good for cooking your food, keeping you warm, or torching yours’mores, and bad when it’s hurting people or burning things down. So yes, it does depend.
Now: Is conflict good, or bad?
Most people answer that it’s bad, which makes sense. Conflict is difficult and uncomfortable. People yell and people get hurt. Relationships suffer and sometimes even end. So of course, many of us spend our energy trying to avoid conflict altogether. We’re often given the message that conflict is bad, shameful, something to hide.
But what if conflict is just like fire? What if conflict itself isn’t inherently good or bad, but instead, it depends on how it’s handled? Because yes, conflict can absolutely create pain, destruction, and damage when it’s unmanaged, reactive, or explosive. But conflict can also create growth, clarity, understanding, stronger boundaries, deeper trust, and transformation. Just like fire can destroy a forest, or, in the form of a controlled burn, create the exact conditions needed for new growth. It all depends on how we manage it.
Let’s try to think about conflict in a completely new way: not as something to fear or avoid, but as something you can actually work with. It’s an opportunity.
I now tend to approach conflict almost like it’s a game. I know – that might sound weird. But I’ve seen firsthand how empowering it feels to move through hard conversations with vulnerability, honesty, and collaboration, and come out on the other side feeling more connected, understood, and proud of yourself.
I hope you’re ready to challenge what you thought you knew about conflict, learn some new tools, and maybe (hopefully!) start harnessing conflict so it’s more of a controlled burn and less of a wildfire.
Over the next 12 months, I’ll be sharing monthly articles just like this one. We’ll cover everything from conflict styles and communication techniques to parent-teen dynamics, family systems, and anything else you may want to discuss. I’m looking forward to learning and growing together.
If you’re still reading this, I’m guessing conflict is relevant to your life in some way. If you have a story or question you’d like explored in a future article, please reach out. You can write in anonymously here or contact me directly at libby@conflictfromtheheart.com or 970-480-7411.
Libby Jacobson is a Denver-based mediator, restorative justice facilitator, and licensed social worker with master’s degrees in Conflict Resolution and Social Work from the University of Denver. She specializes in family and parent-teen conflict resolution and works with organizations, teams, and community groups navigating interpersonal conflict. Learn more at www.conflictfromtheheart.com.
